Archive for the ‘writing’ Category

It has been a long time since I produced a horror short for this blog. The following short hit me like a train in November. Obviously, it is a direct result of my trauma from my son being bit in the face by our dog the month before. So, this season, I give to you a glimpse at one of my demons.


The bubbling Christmas music sounded out of place against the rolling chatter and peals of laughter filling the house. The college party throbbed around me. I perched on an uncomfortable plastic chair by the coffee table, surrounded by strangers in ugly sweaters, crowded by a sloppily decorated tree.

I poured another drink down my throat to sedate my nerves.

I glanced around the circle of the gift exchange. The boy across from me balanced the small, wrapped box on his fingertips, like he didn’t know how to hold it. The drunk sorority girl beside him on the battered couch swayed into him.

“It’s just a present,” she said over his shoulder. Her red velvet skirt was too short for winter. She knocked her bare thigh against him, melting snow slicking from her tall, black boots.

He looked down to the box, awkward in his grip, then suddenly right at me. I stifled a gasp. His eyes were startling, some kind of hazel reflecting the Christmas lights hung around the room. I almost flinched, but for an instant, he looked childlike, lost. Something about the connection soothed me, made me forget that I knew no one at this party.

“My family doesn’t do Christmas gifts,” he said to the blonde, offering the green box with shining red bow back to her. “I didn’t bring one for the exchange.”

“But it’s a Christmas party.” Her intoxication elongated her words. She butted her leg against him again, but he did not lean into the touch. She pushed against the gift, pouting. “Everyone gets a present.”

“Don’t worry, Tyler,” the plaid-clad guy in the armchair said from the end of the coffee table. “I always keep a couple spares for the lame-asses who forget their gift.” Popping up from the chair, he vaulted over the coffee table.

Plaid grinned as he retrieved a larger box covered in snowman paper and pushed it across the table. Tyler watched the present slide to a stop before Blondie snatched it up. I looked at the red gift bag dangling from my fingers, glittered paper stabbing up at me.

“Why doesn’t your family do Christmas gifts?” My question startled me, the alcohol loosening my tongue, blurring my thoughts into clumsy speech.

I winced before looking to him, flush burning through my cheeks. What business was it of mine why his family didn’t celebrate Christmas? Maybe he wasn’t Christian. Embarrassment pounded in my veins enough to dilute the alcohol, but he smiled at me, soft and gentle, a glint in his striking eyes.

“I don’t know if it’s a very festive story.” He dropped his eyes, tilted his head, but his resistance felt hollow. He passed the present between his hands, waiting. “Kind of a buzzkill.”

“No, tell us!” Blondie straightened on the cushion, gripping his bicep.

He didn’t look at her. He looked at me. I stopped breathing and hurried my plastic cup to my lips. His mouth quirked.

“Well,” he began. “If you insist.” He planted his present in front of him on the table and eased back on the cushion to address the circle. “When I was a kid, I got bit in the face by a dog. And it was bad, real bad.”

Blondie gasped beside him, pressing her painted fingernails to her mouth.

Tyler turned his face, exposing his cheek. “Part of my cheek was ripped down. I was hospitalized for over a week, had over 120 stitches. It got infected,” he said. He traced a faint line down his cheek and through the break in the stubble along his jaw. Once he pointed it out, the healed skin winked white in the light.

“You can barely tell.” My thoughts spilled out again.

He smiled fast, running his hand over the faint scars. “My parents could afford good doctors. Young skin heals well,” he dismissed. “And my mom made sure I kept out of the sun and used every cream and treatment they recommended.”

“Did it happen on Christmas?” Plaid interrupted, leaning forward on his elbows, clutching his beer.

The circle contracted around Tyler, the festive chaos around us fading into the background.

“No, no.” Tyler waved the question away. “This happened before Christmas. I was pretty healed by Christmas, out of the hospital, stitches out. We were getting back to normal, except my mom.” He paused a moment, wet his lips. “My mom was messed up about it. It was her dog who bit me. Her rescue. And she loved that dog. Sometimes, I worried that she loved him more than me.” A pained smile twisted his face. “But when we got home from the hospital, she put him down herself. Didn’t even take off her shoes, just took him straight out back, and he was gone. Never shed a tear in front of me.”

The entire circle fell silent. All gifts had been abandoned to the table or the floor around us. The party had ceased to exist as we all leaned in for his words.

Tyler ran his palms down his thighs to his knees, exhaling before resuming.

“So Christmas came around. Our family was big into Christmas, made a thing of it. My parents had this big party every year with their siblings and close friends. The main part was this asshole gift exchange. Everyone got a name and bought that person a joke gift. But not like white elephant.” He poked at the box in front of him. “Like well thought out, personal, and often kind of mean.” He chuckled to himself, smiling at the present. “It was only the adults, and we kids were always so jealous. We wanted to buy asshole gifts too, but our parents said we weren’t ready.”

“Asshole gifts?” Blondie asked, cocking her head like a puppy.

“Like, how mean?” Plaid asked.

“It was about being funny,” Tyler said. “But you had to have thick skin. Like, if you hated something, you were getting that for Christmas. If you did something stupid, you were getting that for Christmas. My aunt fell on the ice one year and got a concussion; my dad bought her ice skates and a helmet.”

The table giggled uncomfortably, unsure where the story was going, not knowing if it was inappropriate to laugh. A smile broke my face, but I took a drink to disguise it, feeling the liquor hum through me.

“So, the Christmas after the bite,” Tyler resumed, “my uncle decided to include me in the exchange. He got me this, like, Phantom of the Opera type mask that covered all my scars, and he painted it to look like a werewolf. Honestly, it was kind of badass.” He smirked, shrugged.

Blondie placed her hand on his forearm, but he didn’t meet her wide, blinking eyes.

“So, your mom was pissed about the mask?” Plaid eased to the edge of the armchair, legs bouncing.

Tyler exhaled in a whistle. “She was so upset.” His tone lowered with his eyes, back to the gift in front of him. “I wanted to be involved so bad. I was the only kid. Even if the mask hurt my feelings, I felt special to get it. I tried to tell her it was fine. I told her it was funny and I loved the mask. But she was livid.” He took a deep breath and let it out slow. “Then my dad made it worse. He told her to calm down.”

We took a collective gasp.

“Oh no,” Blondie said.

He looked directly at me again, and that boyish demeanor surfaced. A boy healing back together after the gnashing teeth of a dog. A child listening to his parents fight. Then it receded behind how handsome he was. My stomach flipped.

“So, what happened?” Plaid encouraged the words with his hands.

“She did not calm down.” Tyler grinned sourly at the present. “She left.” He shrugged, shifting on the cushion. “She messaged that she was taking an uber. But—”

His voiced trailed off, and he found me again. As his eyes watered and glittered, it felt like he could see through me. When his eyes caught mine like this, it felt like he was talking only to me. The intimacy of his sharing. Or it was the rum in my egg nog.

He kept staring into me when he continued. “We never saw her again. She never came home, never called, never got any of her things. Just gone.”

My heart sunk with each word until it burrowed in my belly.

“Wait, what?” Plaid shot to his feet, mouth agape.

“Oh my god.” Blondie grabbed her face.

“I’m so sorry,” I said without thinking.

He kept his eyes on me, calm and clear now. “After that mask, we never exchanged another gift.”

Tears pricked the back of my eyes. The urge to hold him overwhelmed me. My arms insisted I clear the table between us, sweep Blondie from the cushion, and comfort this wounded boy. Yet I just gaped at him with the others.

“Holy shit, bro!” Plaid shouted, swiping fast at his cheek. “What a downer. Now, open your damn present.”

***

The cold walk across campus cleared the echo of the party from my ears, but my brain still thrummed from the cups I had nervously drank after the story. And my proximity to Tyler. Looping my arm through his, he held me close to guide me over the icy sidewalks.

His story had dispersed the circle. Blondie took the hint and stopped slapping her thigh against him, turning her attention to Plaid instead. We rushed through opening the awful gifts unceremoniously.

Our gifts now sat purposefully forgotten on the coffee table at the party. I received a set of straws shaped like veiny penises. He never opened his. The crisply wrapped box remained where he placed it during his story. The story that circulated through me faster than the rum.

I tried not to stare at the side of his face, searching for the scars in the dim light, as he brought us to his room. He kept the lights low, half-hiding from me, except for those shining eyes.

Closing the door behind him, he gathered my face in his hands. He ran his thumbs over my unmarred cheeks, banishing the chill from the night. His eyes, green or gold or maybe blue, caught the light from the window. He kissed me, slow, deep, until my knees wobbled.

“I didn’t finish my story,” he said, low and soft against my lips. “At the party.”

I leaned back to take in his face. Something behind him, something in the shadow by the door shifted. Or I thought it did.

“What do you mean?” I murmured, staring over his shoulder.

He guided my face back to his, drew me closer. “I lied before, when I said I never saw my mom again.”

Anger flared in me, betrayal in how much I had trusted his words and how they felt meant for me, and I jerked back again. The shadow behind him moved, took shape. I closed my eyes, blinked hard, tried to force my vision into sobriety and focus. Taking a step back, I bumped into his bed.

“No, no,” he soothed. Stroking his fingers down my face, he pulled me into him. “It was the first Christmas after. It’s how I knew she was gone, how I knew to stop asking questions.”

This beautiful stranger embraced me, his hands foreign on my back. I saw it behind him. The figure hobbled from the darkness, broken and jerking. Eyes like his found the light and gleamed at me from a mangled face. The flesh of the cheek had been ripped, torn away to expose a line of white teeth. Like it had been attacked by a dog.

“She comes back every year,” he breathed into my ear. Then, still holding me close, he turned to greet her. “Hi, Mom.”

Christina Bergling

https://linktr.ee/chrstnabergling

Like my writing? Check out my books!

  • Followers – You never know who is on the other side of the screen. Followers is a mystery and thriller that blends women’s fiction with horror.
  • The Rest Will Come – Online dating would drive anyone to murder, especially Emma.
  • Savages – Two survivors search the ruins for the last strain of humanity. Until the discovery of a baby changes everything.
  • The Waning – Locked in a cage, Beatrix must survive to escape or be broken completely.
  • Screechers – Mutant monsters and humans collide in the apocalyptic fallout of a burned world. Co-authored with Kevin J. Kennedy.
  • Horror Anthologies

Horror is a genre about trauma. Whether it is the fictional trauma being inflicted on the characters or the zeitgeist of fear it confronts for us.

At Colorado Festival of Horror 2024, I participated in two panels on the horror genre and trauma. Both sessions were so compelling and cathartic for me that I needed to share some thoughts here.

Horror can be a way of coping with trauma both by ingesting it and by creating it. In both cases, horror allows you to interact with or process something scary or hurtful in a “safe” environment. You are on your couch; you know the screen or the page cannot really hurt you. You can experience all those emotions knowing how it will safely end. Not unlike exposure therapy.

For me, it is definitely that, but it is also more. The awful things I see in horror help normalize how I am feeling, make me feel less alone in my pain. Horror also provides a worse-er scenario, which helps me keep my reality in perspective.

People often have “comfort horror”, stories they revisit in times of stress or pain. From the outside, it may seem odd to find solace in something terrible. However, when you unpack the movie and discover what resonates with you, you will often find it hits on something personal. Maybe it lets you control the situation. Maybe it lets you re-experience things knowing how it ends. Maybe it shows you a character like you surviving or being vindicated. But something in that horror is a salve to your wound.

For the panel, I had to think about my comfort horror movies. And why they are therapeutic to me. I came up with:

  • Scream: Aside from this being my first horror movie and introduction to the genre, Scream definitely hits something for me. When I stopped to actually consider it, I realized it is the deceit, the betrayal. Sidney’s friends lie to her, work against her, try to hurt her, but once she figures it out, she survives. And kills them all.
  • You’re Next: The same as Scream, You’re Next introduces a final girl who is being lied to and used. Yet when she fights for her life, it is her intelligence that keeps her alive.
  • Revenge: Rape revenge is pretty self-explanatory. I usually find this subgenre very triggering (Irreversible, Last House on the Left, etc.). Yet this one was different. I attribute the distinction to the female filmmaker (Coralie Fargeat). After Jen is assaulted and left for dead, she returns almost supernaturally in her vengeance.
  • A Nightmare on Elm Street: Nightmares and night terrors brought me to the horror genre. Seeing scary things outside my mind made me feel more normal. There was comfort in not being alone, in seeing what my mind mapped every night on external landscape. Watching Nancy confront her nightmares and ultimately defeat them in a way I never have soothes me.

Reading horror hits me even harder. In the past few months, I have been crying my eyes out over multiple books. American Rapture by CJ Leede, I Was a Teenage Slasher by Stephen Graham Jones, Lone Women by Victor Lavalle, The Angel of Indian Lake (the entire trilogy) by Stephen Graham Jones, The Reformatory by Tananarive Due, Maeve Fly by CJ Leede… to name a few.

More than watching or reading, more than anything, creating horror is how I deal with my trauma. I have always written about my pain from journaling to blogging to essays to stories and books. It is more effective for me than any therapy I have tried (and I have tried many). Sometimes, the trauma is the inspiration, sometimes the thread, sometimes the whole damn story.

Tour my horror library with me:

  • How to Kill Yourself Slowly: The first thing I ever published. I wrote this satirical essay for a nonfiction class in college. All my trauma packaged up into one catty rant.
  • Savages: My first and perhaps my best book. Going to Iraq as a contractor deeply affected me. It changed how I saw humanity. I worked that out in this book.
  • “The Last Christmas Dinner” in Collected Christmas: A character based on my mother and maybe what she should have done one unappreciated holiday.
  • “After the Screaming Stopped” in Graveyard Girls: My post-partum story. This one was hard to find a home for. No one wants to look at how ugly and scary those new mother emotions can be.
  • “Personas” in Colorado’s Emerging Writers nonfiction: A deep dive into the many faces and roles of me.
  • “Under the Rapids”, Ink and Sword, Issue 4: I almost drown white water rafting when I was in my 20s. This story covers what I can remember.
  • “Awake” in America’s Emerging Horror Writers: West Region: I had hip surgery to repair a torn labrum. This story confronts how helpless I felt under anesthesia and after the operation.
  • “Hairs”, 96th of OctoberAutumn 2023: I lost my hair to Alopecia multiple times in recent years. In this story, I start there and make it oh so much worse.
  • Followers: Questioning how safe we are on the internet. This book has roots in online stalkers and one I briefly had in Iraq.

Not included on this list are works where I borrowed other people’s traumas. Their experiences served as inspiration for me, but hopefully my resulting work can be therapy for them.

Hairs” and “After the Screaming Stopped” are the most literal examples of me writing out my trauma (aside from maybe Savages where I put myself in a story to change my mind about the world). In both, I took the literal trauma–severe hair loss and post partum depression–as the premise. Then I stretched it, elongated it into something grotesque and horrendous.

And at the end of both (of them all), I felt better. The trauma felt processed and exorcised.

I understand that horror is not for everyone. It is full of terrible things that can be triggering or make people uncomfortable. Even people who do enjoy the genre may not interact with it the same way. However, for me, I have found a way to make it therapeutic. It speaks to my traumas in their native tongue, soothing and hushing them so that I can claim more of myself.

Christina Bergling

https://linktr.ee/chrstnabergling

Like my writing? Check out my books!

  • Followers – You never know who is on the other side of the screen. Followers is a mystery and thriller that blends women’s fiction with horror.
  • The Rest Will Come – Online dating would drive anyone to murder, especially Emma.
  • Savages – Two survivors search the ruins for the last strain of humanity. Until the discovery of a baby changes everything.
  • The Waning – Locked in a cage, Beatrix must survive to escape or be broken completely.
  • Screechers – Mutant monsters and humans collide in the apocalyptic fallout of a burned world. Co-authored with Kevin J. Kennedy.
  • Horror Anthologies

October was a hell of a month. And not in the normal spooky, festive way. Sure, we crammed in a yard full of skeletons and Telluride Horror Show 2024 and horror movie bingo amidst the traumas, but it was truly a struggle.

All of that to excuse the fact that I am woefully behind in providing an update.

I have a new novella (working title: Red Walls) under contract with Graveyard Press for publication in early 2025!

When parents seek revenge against the monsters who hurt their daughter, they never expect real monsters.

I am thrilled and excited to be working with this new publisher and also to finally release a new book out into the world. It has been far too long since Followers.

During COVID, I wrote until I had a backlog of three manuscripts, so I have been in editing hell since then. This is a huge step toward unburying myself from that period.

Additionally, the crowd-funding anthology I was accepted into made their goal, so that book will also be coming out soon. I also have a short appearing in another killer KJK Publishing anthology coming in the new year.

I have more related news that I will release when it’s official. Stay tuned…

Christina Bergling

https://linktr.ee/chrstnabergling

Like my writing? Check out my books!

  • Followers – You never know who is on the other side of the screen. Followers is a mystery and thriller that blends women’s fiction with horror.
  • The Rest Will Come – Online dating would drive anyone to murder, especially Emma.
  • Savages – Two survivors search the ruins for the last strain of humanity. Until the discovery of a baby changes everything.
  • The Waning – Locked in a cage, Beatrix must survive to escape or be broken completely.
  • Screechers – Mutant monsters and humans collide in the apocalyptic fallout of a burned world. Co-authored with Kevin J. Kennedy.
  • Horror Anthologies

The publishing industry continues to evolve. When I first started with the first edition of Savages, self-publishing, indie publishers, and all the Amazon-ing was starting to explode. And in the past 10 years, for better and worse, things have continued to change and evolve.

This week, I am trying a new author adventure! Crowd funding.

One of my short stories has been accepted into an anthology. The publisher (Tundra Swan) is running a Kickstarter campaign for this anthology.

This is my first time participating in a publication that is being crowd funded. (The anthology is getting published either way but with cool perks with the Kickstarter.) I’m excited and nervous and curious above all things.

Cross your fingers! If you want to go on this ride with me (and maybe get matching shirt perks), go ahead and back the Kickstarter campaign. We’ll see how this next adventure goes.

Christina Bergling

https://linktr.ee/chrstnabergling

Like my writing? Check out my books!

  • Followers – You never know who is on the other side of the screen. Followers is a mystery and thriller that blends women’s fiction with horror.
  • The Rest Will Come – Online dating would drive anyone to murder, especially Emma.
  • Savages – Two survivors search the ruins for the last strain of humanity. Until the discovery of a baby changes everything.
  • The Waning – Locked in a cage, Beatrix must survive to escape or be broken completely.
  • Screechers – Mutant monsters and humans collide in the apocalyptic fallout of a burned world. Co-authored with Kevin J. Kennedy.
  • Horror Anthologies

I’m back! I have been avoiding the camera since losing my hair. But here I am, reading horror I wrote inspired by said loss. It then, of course, gets so much worse.

You can read my short “Hairs” in its entirety for free at the 96th of October.

Christina Bergling

https://linktr.ee/chrstnabergling

Like my writing? Check out my books!

  • Followers – You never know who is on the other side of the screen. Followers is a mystery and thriller that blends women’s fiction with horror.
  • The Rest Will Come – Online dating would drive anyone to murder, especially Emma.
  • Savages – Two survivors search the ruins for the last strain of humanity. Until the discovery of a baby changes everything.
  • The Waning – Locked in a cage, Beatrix must survive to escape or be broken completely.
  • Screechers – Mutant monsters and humans collide in the apocalyptic fallout of a burned world. Co-authored with Kevin J. Kennedy.
  • Horror Anthologies

Losing my hair last year was traumatic. Even with the medication coursing through me and hair slooooooooowly returning, it is still every day. Waiting for me in the mirror.

I write horror because that is what comes out of my brain. Nightmares and worst case scenarios. To no surprise, I processed this life event by writing horror.

“Hairs” is a deeply personal story for me. I poured my pain into the premise and the beginning then let the ugly thing sprout legs and sprint into the horrific. I cried as I wrote it and when I read it. Yet, by the end, I do feel better, more settled.

Find “Hairs” on 96th of October, and let me know what you think of this slice of my hell.

There is more hair in the sink. There is always more hair in the sink. And in the shower. And in the drain. And in my hands. And everywhere. Tumbleweeds of hair across the tile. Webs of hair embedded in the carpet.

And I feel like I lose a piece of myself in every strand.

http://96thofoctober.com/articles/hairs/

Christina Bergling

https://linktr.ee/chrstnabergling

Like my writing? Check out my books!

  • Followers – You never know who is on the other side of the screen. Followers is a mystery and thriller that blends women’s fiction with horror.
  • The Rest Will Come – Online dating would drive anyone to murder, especially Emma.
  • Savages – Two survivors search the ruins for the last strain of humanity. Until the discovery of a baby changes everything.
  • The Waning – Locked in a cage, Beatrix must survive to escape or be broken completely.
  • Screechers – Mutant monsters and humans collide in the apocalyptic fallout of a burned world. Co-authored with Kevin J. Kennedy.
  • Horror Anthologies

The past week, I have been reading (listening to) Inside the Indie Horror World. Narcissistically, yes, my essay “Double-edged” is included, and I wanted to hear my own words read to me. However, the book is full of pieces from many other authors (some I know, some I didn’t), and it really has me thinking.

It is no secret (since I publicly publish it here on this blog and on my socials) that I have been struggling lately. With my health, with life in general, and (for the purposes of this blog) with my writing. In “Double-edged”, I talk about the ways being a published author is not exactly what I expected or dreamed about. As I discuss in “Compromise“, I have been grinding at writing since I got published; then I just broke.

But this book, all these insights from other authors in the same world, has me adding more shades of gray into my black/white mentality. It has me redoing exercises in my head that I did early in my career. Specifically, I am ruminating on how I am defining my success. I am mulling over what I want in the short term, right now in this unexpected time.

My main, grand goal for my writing has not changed. Publish things and be read. That’s it. However, I think my mind had constructed this linear, ascending path for my career. Big then bigger, more then MORE. Taking a step back, I don’t know that my career needs to be cumulative. I don’t think I need to achieve arbitrary milestones.

Publish and be read.

When I decided to compromise with myself, the words returned. In force. I have plenty to write. I need to reassess and pivot on what happens after it’s done. I need to start fresh on the publication and promotion front.

What do I consider success there?

Publication is being published, obviously. But perhaps I need to include a positive, supportive relationship with my publisher. Perhaps finding a good fit is the success.

Promotion equals sales, again obviously. Promotions have changed since Savages. And those changes have frustrated and discouraged me. I miss finding and communicating with readers the way I used to. Perhaps success is finding new ways to connect with readers and community that I don’t hate. Perhaps success is getting creative without having to pay for every bump in exposure or spend countless hours creating materials.

Success will be finding sustainable things that don’t stress me out and dry up my inspiration.

Inside the Indie Horror World reminded me that those things are out there, that the industry is never just one way. There is no one path to one success. It is something I’ve always known, but after taking a few hits, I needed to be reminded. I needed a mental reset.

Now, onward. I have 2.5 novels that aren’t going to finish themselves…

Christina Bergling

https://linktr.ee/chrstnabergling

Like my writing? Check out my books!

  • Followers – You never know who is on the other side of the screen. Followers is a mystery and thriller that blends women’s fiction with horror.
  • The Rest Will Come – Online dating would drive anyone to murder, especially Emma.
  • Savages – Two survivors search the ruins for the last strain of humanity. Until the discovery of a baby changes everything.
  • The Waning – Locked in a cage, Beatrix must survive to escape or be broken completely.
  • Screechers – Mutant monsters and humans collide in the apocalyptic fallout of a burned world. Co-authored with Kevin J. Kennedy.
  • Horror Anthologies

It has been a LONG TIME! I have been distracted by many things, most of which reside inside my mind. My life lately has been a bit like a slow-sinking ship. I stop leaks to have new ones spring. In order to stay afloat, all nonessential things have been tossed overboard.

But I am still above the surface. Some days more than others. I am patching leaks and bailing water.

As I have been juggling my life to remain functional, I have relented to compromising. Which is not something I do well. With circumstances. With my life. With myself. And, for the purposes of this blog, with my art.

As a writer, I have waves of inspiration and motivation and also of frustration and struggle. All are phases and usually correlated to what is happening to the rest of my life. But off balance and shuffling around the pieces of my life, I mused on my writing.

I have been grinding hard on writing since working on my first novel (Savages). Yet that story tore itself out of me, so I had little choice, and it took little effort. However, once it went under contract, it became all work, and it has not stopped.

After Savages, that publisher (now defunct) wanted another novella right away. So I cranked out The Waning. The Waning began as flash fiction. I wrote the short piece and was going to just set it aside, but instead, I worked to tease it out into a longer work.

Yet this (and the publisher’s author training) set a pace. Write a certain number of words a night. Always have something in work. Always have something releasing. Keep producing. Keep publishing. It created the necessity to always get something out then start something new.

And it worked. In those nine years, I have published five books and 20 shorts.

I have no complaints about being prolific. Honestly, I am quite proud of what have I have been able to produce while holding down a day job and raising a family and entertaining an unhealthy amount of hobbies. I am even more proud to produce enough to be accepted and published by various publishers.

Yet, the grind of writing is never the writing. The writing is the easy part.

The labor is the editing, submitting/querying, and promoting. It is A LOT of work and necessary to keep producing and publishing. It is daunting and lacks the joy of creation. It can also be disheartening. Rewrites, rejections, low sales, unsuccessful events. When it is successful (read: sales), it is exhausting. When it is not, it is exhausting and heartbreaking.

So when life turned upside down and left me piecing myself back together, I realized, I don’t have to do this. I don’t have to always have a WIP. I don’t have to always be releasing something. I don’t have to grind.

It seems simple, obvious. Yet I had to realize it.

I had this epiphany when I had to set all things aside for a moment. When I returned, it allowed me to approach the craft how I used to. I wrote what I wanted. I wrote when I was inspired. I followed the art.

And I did. I just wrote. It flowed out easily. I had plenty of emotion to fuel it.

So, now, I am building a library of unpolished content. I have 2.5 novels written. One is going through critique group, but the others are just hanging out. It gives me a touch of overachiever anxiety, yet it is also liberating to not need to do anything with it. I can write to heal myself. I can write to make myself happy.

And I can worry about what to do with it later.

I don’t want to quit authoring or striving or grinding even. But I did need this breath and this reset. I have repurposed my art back to its original purpose. For me.

It can be about more later.

Though even as I write about taking this step back, I have just had three shorts picked up in the past couple months.

I contributed an essay to Inside the Indie Horror World. I wrote about how my experience being published is not all I expected and how much of it is double-edged.

Coming soon, I have a short prequel to my unpublished novel about Viking monsters and a deeply personal bit of body horror about hair loss.

So maybe I can do both.

Christina Bergling

https://linktr.ee/chrstnabergling

Like my writing? Check out my books!

  • Followers – You never know who is on the other side of the screen. Followers is a mystery and thriller that blends women’s fiction with horror.
  • The Rest Will Come – Online dating would drive anyone to murder, especially Emma.
  • Savages – Two survivors search the ruins for the last strain of humanity. Until the discovery of a baby changes everything.
  • The Waning – Locked in a cage, Beatrix must survive to escape or be broken completely.
  • Screechers – Mutant monsters and humans collide in the apocalyptic fallout of a burned world. Co-authored with Kevin J. Kennedy.
  • Horror Anthologies

For the first time in my career, I am considering putting one of my stories in the drawer.

The drawer is a metaphor writers use to describe where they put unfinished manuscripts, incomplete stories, and abandoned books. It is where you put the works you have given up on. Works go stale in the drawer, if they ever see the light again.

I love the novel I have on the chopping block. However, I am concerned that my intentions will not come across properly and that will undo the book. In my mind, the story works, but my faith on whether it will do the same in the world is shaky.

The intention of the book, what I think the story is about is exploitation. The many levels and layers of exploitation. Female exploitation to include suppression and forced prostitution. Racial exploitation like colonization and slavery. Family exploitation like abuse.

I did not feel I had the knowledge or license to tackle historical fiction or even fiction about these issues set in the real world. I definitely do not know enough to capture the experience, and I lack the generational experience. It’s not mine.

However, large parts of my story are influenced by these things. I have reactions to them, and I have things to say about them. So I created a fantasy world very similar to our own, where I wasn’t trying to capture how people felt in real world events but instead having them react to events I concocted. I wanted to be in control so I wasn’t trying to walk in the skin of real people. But what I created does mirror the real world–and not subtly.

My protagonists aren’t “white” because I didn’t want a white savior story. The core of the story is two young girls, socially invisible and powerless in a corrupt place.

However, colonization and slavery are in my narrative in hopes of paining how evil and perverse the exploiters are. The same with how they treat the girls and anyone unlike themselves. I won’t bother to deny that the people and situations are modeled after the real world, a real past I did not live.

Such is fiction.

I have struggled with which details to lift and how to personify these people. I didn’t want to make them purple or some true fantasy color. I didn’t want to invert the skin color of our world, as if to say it would be the same if the shoe was on the other foot. I also didn’t want to avoid racial differences as if I was shying away.

I have thought about all these things, debated all these things in my mind. I just don’t know how I want to approach them while still expressing my story. It took root in my mind for a reason, and I don’t want to lose it in an attempt to tread softly.

My doubt is that the text and its interpretation will not match my intentions. I fear it will come across as appropriating. My definition of appropriation is taking experiences or cultures for your own benefit. Trying to get published and sell books definitely would be to my benefit.

But if topics become off limits, how far away is that from censorship? Can parts of fiction belong to people? Can we always infer the writer’s social commentary? I know what my statement is, but it can never read that way to everyone. Where is the balance?

Of course, I have the deep seeded desire to be told I’m a good white person, that I’m different that all the bad ones. But I know I’m not owed that, that no one is obligated to pat me on the head and pacify me. This internal debate here is not me asking permission; this is me trying to process things “aloud”.

Between being a woman and often working in sectors still dominated by men and trying to explain racial inequity to my mixed children, this idea was born. With no intentions or agendas. Yet in this stage of revisions, I have to evaluate the novel from other points of view.

Christina Bergling

https://linktr.ee/chrstnabergling

Like my writing? Check out my books!

  • Followers – You never know who is on the other side of the screen. Followers is a mystery and thriller that blends women’s fiction with horror.
  • The Rest Will Come – Online dating would drive anyone to murder, especially Emma.
  • Savages – Two survivors search the ruins for the last strain of humanity. Until the discovery of a baby changes everything.
  • The Waning – Locked in a cage, Beatrix must survive to escape or be broken completely.
  • Screechers – Mutant monsters and humans collide in the apocalyptic fallout of a burned world. Co-authored with Kevin J. Kennedy.
  • Horror Anthologies

To continue catching up on posts and topics… November!

Once again, I participated in National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo). I don’t get too deep into the event, but I do use it as an excuse to track my work and set lofty goals.

And I made it!

This year, I did not start a fresh story. I rarely do. Usually, I have something in work. In this case, I had to return to a novel in progress, review what I had, then continue writing.

Returning to a project is always interesting. I had been revising a different, unpublished novel, so my brain was living in that world. Coming back to the WIP novel, I had to switch worlds. And as I read, I remembered all the details that brought it to life.

Like coming home to old friends.

Once I was reacquainted, it was just a matter of continuing the story. Only I had no idea where I was going. I had a premise; I had a map to get about halfway. Then… nothing.

This story is my first “monster” novel. The majority of my work focuses on the monster in someone, everyone. To do this, I avoided the archetypal monsters (vampire, werewolf, etc. etc.) and attempted to invent one. Time will tell how successful I was. I blended these monsters with haunted house lore. The typical small town urban legend about a creepy house and its history.

So I got my victims into the house with the monsters right about the time I returned to the story. My month began with figuring out where the hell I was taking them.

I did not end up where I expected. Hopefully, that’s a good thing.

The novel is still raw and, no doubt, will need heavy changes and development. But I made it in November. I even threw in a couple short stories that month, one of which was published in The Horror Collection: Sapphire.

A real successful month in the middle of my current shit show life.

Christina Bergling

https://linktr.ee/chrstnabergling

Like my writing? Check out my books!

  • Followers – You never know who is on the other side of the screen. Followers is a mystery and thriller that blends women’s fiction with horror.
  • The Rest Will Come – Online dating would drive anyone to murder, especially Emma.
  • Savages – Two survivors search the ruins for the last strain of humanity. Until the discovery of a baby changes everything.
  • The Waning – Locked in a cage, Beatrix must survive to escape or be broken completely.
  • Screechers – Mutant monsters and humans collide in the apocalyptic fallout of a burned world. Co-authored with Kevin J. Kennedy.
  • Horror Anthologies