Fiery Pen

(The gist: I absolutely and without reservation hated Cabin Fever: Patient Zero. Stupid premise, stupid plots, stupid characters. I thoroughly enjoyed the original Cabin Fever but am almost relieved I missed Cabin Fever 2, if 3 is any indication. Even the impressive gore FX could not remotely save this disaster.)

When I saw the original Cabin Fever, I never expected to enjoy it. I thought it would be trashy, crappy horror. However, something about the redneck-infused tale worked for me. The gore absolutely disgusted and unnerved me. The movie, as a whole, freaked me out. I would not say it is one of my favorite horror movies, but I definitely liked it.

I must have missed the note that there was a Cabin Fever 2 because when I saw Cabin Fever: Patient Zero in RedBox, I was unaware it was the third. I knew a sequel had been made, but I had no idea when. However, from some light IMDB-ing, it seems like I did not miss much in the second.

Ultimately, it did not matter. Cabin Fever: Patient Zero is horrible, painfully bad. And not even in the good way horror movies can be bad. It was not entertainingly ill-fated; it was brutal to sit through.

Cabin Fever: Patient Zero tells the story of where the flesh-eating virus starts. Apparently, that is poorly contained on a remote island not even on a map. The hidden facility houses patient zero (Sean Astin) while leaking the virus out into the surrounding ocean. This proves tragically unfortunate for a group of flat and annoying childhood friends participating in some bachelor party.

The beginning was not only stupid but unbearably slow. The characters were unsympathetic, under developed, and just annoying. I did not care why they were there or what they were doing. In the opening scene alone, I was ready to get on with their death scenes.

The premise also just irked me. It is so far removed from the back country, camping original. Granted, I did miss the transition of the second installation; however, the leap to a remote island just seemed so outlandish and ridiculous. Once again, I did not like it, so I did not care.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

The gore was on point at least. Of course, they had to surpass the disgust in the original from the infected sex scene. No spoilers but I physically gagged. The makeup FX were dazzling but far too brief to make it worth it. They are micro glimpses in a long and horrible movie. Amazing but not enough.

Patient zero might have made an interesting character. He was definitely ultimately quite clever but still not enough. I do not know that anything could be enough to save this movie. If killer makeup FX could not do it, it might be hopeless.