Fiery Pen

(The gist: All Cheerleaders Die is horror at its cheapest and is really about watching hot cheerleaders make out with each other. Yet it is still entertaining enough to watch. I may have been dumber at the end, but I got a few good laughs and was able to turn my brain off for the duration.)

All Cheerleaders Die begins like any other tween movie, following a group of painfully stereotypical high school kids through their drama and angst. I cringed at the ditsy cheerleaders, cocky jocks, and dark goth girl. However, when a cheerleader snapped her neck in the opening scene, it gave me hope.

Following this opening death, the cheerleader’s friend, Maddy, joins the cheerleading squad to the sole purpose of destroying the “perfect senior year” for her dead friend’s boyfriend, Terry, and the cheerleader he has started dating, Tracy.

Maddy falsely befriends the cheerleaders and even goes on to seduce Tracy away from Terry. Yet Maddy’s plan goes awry when Terry is revealed as psychotic (and none too pleased about his piece of ass changing teams on him) and drives the entire pack of cheerleaders off a cliff.

Fortunately, there is a goth girl, Maddy’s ex-girlfriend, to resurrect the dead cheerleaders using some sort of Wiccan crystal magic. The cheerleaders return as some sort of cognizant form of zombies who feed on blood like vampires and are all connected by the ridiculous glowing crystals inside their injuries. (Seriously, the glowing crystals, so stupid.)

Sound ridiculous? Yeah, a little bit.

However, All Cheerleaders Die does not seem to be about the plot. Or the acting. It is about half-naked, lesbian cheerleaders. Do you want to see a hot blonde stomping around in her bra and panties? Check. Do you want to see high school aged girls making out? Done. The movie, at its core, is eye candy for anyone who likes to ogle hot, young women.

Sometimes, horror is about expertly crafted fear. Sometimes, horror is about a psychological examination of humanity. And sometimes, horror is about cheap violence and unnecessary nudity. For the purpose of this review, I will refer to that last option as cheap horror.

All Cheerleaders Die is most definitely cheap horror. Super cheap horror. Is the plot awesome? No. Is the acting amazing? Absolutely not. Was I scared once? Not at all. However, it is also not an atrocious movie. As long as I went in not wanting some deep, life-changing, nail-biting, well-crafted movie, it was perfectly humorous and entertaining.

On some nights, like when you are mentally exhausted from two kids and two jobs and physically exhausted from two kids, two jobs, and working out like an addict, entertainment is more than enough. I laughed at the parts that are over the top and ridiculous. I watched the full length with enough interest to keep me engaged. I was possibly dumber at the end, but I enjoyed it nonetheless.