Well. It has been another year. An eventful one at that.
I published Red Walls (twice) in addition to a couple shorts. I did book signings and events, presented at Colorado Festival of Horror again. It was a wild ride, overshadowed by a lot of grief and stress.
I gave up New Year’s Resolutions a while ago. I was never good at keeping them anyway. At some point, I switched to selecting an intentional word. A goal theme for the year. I have used “healing” and “simplify” in past years.
This year, I’m going with reset.
I chose reset because largely I want to start over. For the past 5ish years, it has felt like one thing after another. The pandemic into severe health issues into half a year of unemployment. There hasn’t really been a break or recovery, and I have been trying to cram in life around the struggles and traumas.
Last year, I lost. I lost people. I lost my job. (That doesn’t even include the everything else that has been happening in the larger world.) And through the grief, I just kept swimming.
This year, I need to make some decisions. What happened with Red Walls has me very in my head about writing and being an author. I thought Red Walls was finally progress on my author journey, but having to start over with it makes that feel less real. I find myself questioning if I should keep fighting my way up this hill.
I had a great time doing so many events and selling books this year. Yet, I don’t feel inspired to pursue more of it. Have I really changed, or is this depression (symptom: loss of interest or pleasure in things once enjoyed)?
I have read some amazing books lately. But instead of leaving me inspired, they make me realize that I will likely never attain that level. Is that imposter syndrome or an honest assessment?
All these feelings could easily correlate to depression and burnout. Or they could be a genuine indication that it is time to put the aspiration down. It’s an odd conversation to have with two books coming out in the next year or two and another book and short story currently in draft.
I don’t know how to stop. I don’t know what I want. Beside a reset.
I think I need to stabilize my foundation before I can assess clearly. I was able to take a breath and rest over the holidays, and many things bubbled up and unraveled in that space within me. If I can be healthy and employed, if there can be a moment between traumas (though the world does not seem poised for that AT ALL), maybe I can give myself that reset.
I begin 2026 ambiguous, confused, and undecided. But I am choosing to rebrand that as flexible. I am choosing to draw an arbitrary line through the bullshit construction of time. Everything before is past, and I am resetting myself from it for everything now and after.
At least that’s the 2026 aspiration.
In general, I don’t tackle current events on this narcissist blog endeavor. However, I admittedly feel uncomfortable posting “normal life” stuff (books, signings, performances, etc.) in the face of such a global shit show. I feel compelled to provide some context.
In my teens and early 20s, I was utterly lost. I honestly do not know how I survived. I spent those years in a blur of pain, trauma, mental illness, substance abuse, and self-destruction. Looking back, I have always resented squandering my youth that way. In hindsight, I understand I didn’t know how to do anything else, but that doesn’t change how I have always felt about it.
I apply this to the current doom all around me. I could (very easily) let it consume me, fall apart beneath it. But then I give it all this time. I deny myself joy for things I cannot control or influence.
Instead, I try to do both.
The doom affects me. It scares me, worries me, devastates me. But I try to continue sucking out what marrow of life I can in its shadow. Maybe even more because of the shadow.
It feels weird to be happy when the darkness is all around, but I also find that the darkness gives more reason to appreciate any light. Joy is resistance, and they can’t have mine.
Christina Bergling
https://linktr.ee/chrstnabergling
Like my writing? Check out my books!
- Red Walls – When Talia’s parents go after the monsters who hurt her, they never expected real monsters.
- Followers – You never know who is on the other side of the screen. Followers is a mystery and thriller that blends women’s fiction with horror.
- The Rest Will Come – Online dating would drive anyone to murder, especially Emma.
- Savages – Two survivors search the ruins for the last strain of humanity. Until the discovery of a baby changes everything.
- The Waning – Locked in a cage, Beatrix must survive to escape or be broken completely.
- Screechers – Mutant monsters and humans collide in the apocalyptic fallout of a burned world. Co-authored with Kevin J. Kennedy.
- Horror Anthologies
Fiery Pen 