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If I were to manufacture a hell for someone with body dysmorphia and/or an eating disorder, it would be this.
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My appearance has always been a source of fixation and distortion, creating a rift between my sense of self and physical vessel. It never looked how I wanted (not that it could with my cracked lens), so I hated it. Now, as my body has literally turned on me and itself, it feels like it…
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I would open by commenting on what a rollercoaster of a year 2023 was. However, saying that four years in a row now takes the impact out of the sentiment. 2023 was a lot, but it appears this is just the tone since 2020.
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A younger, drunker Christina used to cram in every possible screening and skid out of the weekend on her face the shell of a human. This old, post-illness, recovering Christina took an more moderate approach.
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I’m back! I have been avoiding the camera since losing my hair. But here I am, reading horror I wrote inspired by said loss. It then, of course, gets so much worse.
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But this book, all these insights from other authors in the same world, has me adding more shades of gray into my black/white mentality.
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My therapist told me I need to integrate my self with my body, creating one holistic me. However, when I was struggling through a hike, I realized that the fragmentation of my self into myself and its shell is functional. It has been self-preservation.
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Fiery Pen 